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What Can Husbands Do?
I’m sure several of you have heard illustrations that pregnancy is like a group project: one person contributes one small idea, and the other group member does the rest of the work. That seems to be how pregnancy works. Husbands and wives will say “We’re pregnant” even though it’s the woman enduring all the changes to her body. Today’s blog will give some advice on what husbands can do for their wives while pregnant, during labor and delivery, and postpartum.
During Pregnancy
Every woman reacts different to pregnancy. Whether the news is planned or not. Pregnancy changes a woman and she will never be the same. Some women, even if trying for the baby, go through a period of mourning. They mourn their old life while creating a new life. In that moment, husbands can be there for their wives. Support and encourage them. It’s ok to mourn briefly because your world is changing.
Not only does every woman react emotionally different to pregnancy news, but their bodies can react different too. Some women have horrible morning sickness, others are very fatigued, others still have never felt better. During this time husbands can help pick up some of the slack. If a woman is getting horrible food aversions, or terrible sickness, then husbands can take charge of the cooking. Cook for yourself, while offering to cook something the woman may be able to stomach. Help clean up dishes or with other chores around the house. If the wife is able to cook and clean, husbands can offer to cook alongside the mother to take some of the weight off her shoulders while pregnant.
If able to with work, I encourage husbands to attend prenatal appointments with the mother. I encourage this for a few reasons. First, this is your baby too! Not only should you be excited to see your baby (if an ultrasound is being done), but you should care to hear what the doctor has to say too. If, God forbid, a woman hears bad news while at the doctor, she shouldn’t have to hear it alone. If she hears good news, you should be able to celebrate the joy with her. It also shows you support her and will be there for her along the way. This is also a great opportunity to learn more about pregnancy and what your wife may be going through. Education is very important.
In order to further your education, husbands can offer to go to childbirth education classes together. Now, as a childbirth educator I may be a little biased, but I believe that all expectant parents should attend a class. It can help you understand what you both are about to go through. But it can really help a husband understand all his wife has been doing while pregnant, and what is to come with labor, delivery, and postpartum.
During pregnancy, husbands can help mom complete tasks she is no longer able to complete, learn about what she is going through, and above all: support her.
During Labor
First and foremost, be present during labor. That includes but is not limited to, don’t be on a phone, tablet, etc. Don’t leave the hospital to go get food. While some women have a long labor, ask the hospital staff for food, or bring some so you don’t have to leave to get it. And don’t wait until the last minute to get there. If you can leave work to be with your wife, then leave and go be with her.
While I just covered a bunch of “don’ts” for labor, here are several “dos”. If having a hospital birth, while the staff can be very helpful, they are not with the mom the whole time and have other women to check on. Therefore, husbands can help take charge. Some of the ways the husband can help take charge involves some prenatal prep.
One main thing husbands can do is help mom with position changes. Husbands can set a timer for every 15-30 minutes and help mom to change positions when the timer goes off. This is one of the ways that involves some prenatal prep. In order for a husband to do this and not be flustered in the moment, print out some pictures of different positions to help in the hospital setting. Include some with a peanut ball on the bed, a birthing ball, standing/walking around, just make sure there is variety.
In addition to position changes, aid in between and during contractions as well. If mom likes massages, then offer to massage her in between contractions. Massage her hands, feet, legs, arms, back, etc. Offering counter pressure on her hips during a contractions can be a huge help as well. If anyone else is with you then they can help as they can provide more pressure for mom. Another prenatal prep item is a TENS unit. Purchase and learn how to use one when mom is still pregnant to aid in labor. Some insurances cover a TENS unit so husbands can help look into that information as well. Get hot or cold packs to apply to her. Distract mom during early on contractions. Help take her mind off what she is going through. As contractions and labor progress, no longer distract but help her focus. Help aid in her breathing and focus on that.
Another big way husbands can help is by offering food/water/ice chips without mom having to ask. If mom will be eating or drinking during labor, husbands bring the items to the mom. Ask often enough that mom won’t have to be very thirsty or hungry. You can offer in between position changes, or in between contractions.
In order to avoid mom being disturbed from her contractions, husbands should communicate with the hospital staff. This is another prenatal prep way to help. If a doula is present, they will be able to help aid in communication, but if not, the husband should take charge. While still pregnant sit down together and come up with an ideal birth plan. Obviously plans can always change, but this gives the husband an idea as to what the wife wants during labor. Write it down and bring it in to the hospital. When a hospital staff comes in and asks questions, you can now take charge and answer for your wife correctly without her being disturbed.
Sitting down together and coming up with a birth plan allows for both parties to voice their opinions, thoughts, and fears about birth, all while not being in a very stressful situation. Now not only do husbands know what their wives want, but you can learn how to support their decisions.
Labor may be long for some women and they may get discouraged. Husbands, encourage your wives. Remind them of the little bundle of joy they will soon meet. Encourage them with how strong they are to be enduring labor. Support her. And like I said earlier, be present for her.
During Delivery
Once again, make sure to be present. If you are someone who gets queasy easily, try grabbing a chair to sit next to mom. Drink some water. Have some peppermint near by. But do not leave moms side. And if you are grossed out by the bodily fluids, don’t make a scene over it. Mom has just endured a lot of physical pain to bring your baby into this world, keep the focus on her.
Continue to encourage mom. The pushing phase can be minutes to hours for some, encourage mom that she is about to meet your new bundle of joy.
Ask the hospital staff if you can catch baby as they make their entrance into this world. Or cut the umbilical cord when it is time for that. This is a great way for the dads to be involved in the delivery other than supporting mom.
During Postpartum
Just like everything else about pregnancy, labor and delivery, postpartum looks different or every woman too. Since postpartum is different for everyone, I will include what husbands can do if mom chooses to breastfeed, pump, or formula feed.
Regardless of how mom feeds baby, let mom rest in bed for as long as possible. During the first few days to weeks, mom should be getting as much rest as possible. If baby sleeps in a different room, offer to get baby and bring him/her to mom in bed. You can also always change dirty diapers. Take the baby, change him/her, then bring baby back to mom. You could also bring her food and water in bed.
Letting mom rest in bed can not only help her recover, but it lets her bond with the baby instead of worrying about chores too. Some women, if they see something, they can’t help but take charge. If they see dirty dishes, they will want to clean them. Bringing mom items in bed can avoid her stressing over chores. But with that said, during this time husbands should continue to help with chores. The dishes should not pile up until mom is able to handle them. Help clean the house, do dishes, vacuum, etc. Any chores mom does on a regular bases, help get them done.
You can also run errands for mom. Including but not limited to grocery shopping, picking up supplies needed for baby, or regular shopping. If mom wants to go with you, then help her and make sure she is comfortable.
Now getting into the differences in how baby is fed. If baby is formula fed, you can mix up some formula and bring it to mom to feed the baby, or you could use this time to bond with baby and feed him/her yourself. If baby is fed via pumped breastmilk, the same applies. Once you are done feeding, you can make sure to clean the bottles properly. If mom pumps, then you can offer to clean some pump supplies in between usage.
If baby is breastfed, that limits the ways dad can help feed the baby, but there is still plenty dad can do to help mom during this time. If mom is having trouble with positioning the baby or getting baby to latch, help her with pillows or support until she is comfortable. Hold the baby’s head for her so her arms can relax if necessary. Once again, bring her food and water as she feeds, as breastfeeding can make you very thirsty and hungry. And above all else, encourage and support mom during this time. No matter how many struggles she has breastfeeding, do not suggest she stop breastfeeding. Try and help her, and if you cannot, try to find someone who can such as a lactation consultant.
As mentioned before, everyone experiences pregnancy and postpartum differently. Some women struggle with postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. Look out for key signs that mom may be struggling. For the first few weeks mom may be suffering from the baby blues, but if it continues, make sure mom gets the help she needs. After all, no one knows your wife better than you.
Regardless what stage your wife is in, make sure to support her and encourage her along the way, while being present in every stage with her.
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